Note:- This is certainly not a post you will enjoy reading or for others-“re-reading” but I’m writing this for no purpose other than making myself feel better after a long ineffective and disheartening day.
At times, I simply need to listen to myself, find my rhythm, and do what I can. And I am able to.
But then it also happens that you do all that you can and however annoying it may be, one person appears out of nowhere and screws it all up for you. That’s no big deal, it keeps happening all the time. You try putting all effort into something- sometimes it works, while the rest of the times, it may not. So what’s the Fuss? Well, the thing is that while it may aggravate me to no end, it’s still acceptable to see people bumping in and out as and when it pleases or be a nosey parker, what’s so very disturbing instead is to have that feeling within you of not getting it “right” despite all your hard work.
While others still appear to encourage you to celebrate your “teeny-weeny” victory , you are disappointed because you gave it your best shot and because of some external factors (which I believe you can’t really control always) you end up in a mess. I know when I am assigned a task that I enjoy doing , I see that I leave no stone unturned to set things right, and I do that so that no one gets a chance to question my efforts later. Usually they don’t – they can’t! But for the first time , I am disappointed despite doing something I enjoy thoroughly, yet ended without the desired result. If they were just my efforts, it wouldn’t have affected me. I would have easily forgotten the same in a couple of hours, but when other’s help you out too, then you tend to feel bad and I guess it’s quite natural.
What’s worse however is that while others seem to be happy for you, you keep looking for that happiness within but are deluded again. Also, being a Virgo, I hate being obligated to anyone for anything no matter how small. It’s just natural to me. It cannot be otherwise. I know many people don’t do it considering it to be a favour of any sort, they simply do it because they are actually nice and wish to see others(family/friends) happy. And just a point of information there- unlike other things, I very easily recognize this quality without a pair of specs. You need not prove or provide me any clarification on that whatsoever. But when I see such people going out of their way to help me, and I end up disappointing them , then that certainly makes me furious.
Now, I admit that, wonder how they appear to be so calm on the exterior when somewhere deep within they are affected as well? Anyways, I don’t care if that matters to you. But just so that you know- I’m a sensitive creature and can’t usually neglect such details. I know I am somehow being over-critical but tonight I don’t think I can help it. I know I will be done with this whole blame-game soon (one that I playing with myself since this very evening) but until then all that can put me to rest is just a good night’s sleep and that’s all I am looking forward to this weekend. May be a little time out ( & “out” alone) should not be a bad idea either to help me get back to normalcy.
Until then, only Hugh Grant can do me justice!