At last, the weekend is here and after two long weeks, one of which was quite confusing and hence, even more discomposing, I am here, back at my place, finally at peace with myself and hopefully should be at peace with my surroundings too. Don’t care about the surroundings as much really, because being uneasy with self is very discomforting and is something that requires more serious attention and deliberation than dealing with T2 or worse still, dealing with your “ever-changing” surroundings. In the past week I have began to question the wisdom of synchronizing my life with some people who seem to be eternally wandering- either physically, mentally or emotionally- their thoughts and actions no more predictable than weather. A slight change in routine can at times be so disturbing to me, so change in behaviour is obviously something which I cannot tolerate, not until and unless I’m given a proper explanation for the same.
It’s not that, now I am asking anyone for any rendition, but it’s just that it’s strange and annoying to see people project such vacillating demeanour time and again. Yes, this is something which I cannot understand no matter how much you want me to. I’ll be around when you need me, but expecting me to understand you without questioning while you blow hot and cold is one thing I can never do. There may be one thing you do not understand about my personality, but when it comes to such inconsistent behaviour it feels like I never really understood a thing about you.
I say I understand and when I do- I mean it. When I say I don’t- I don’t. Yes, there’s no double-talk involved. I don’t have this habit of saying stuff I do not mean and expect others to atleast maintain that level of transparency in a relationship because otherwise I am thrown into a cycle of inconsistency while dealing with the drama, the highs and lows, and the uncertainty and I hate that.
I believe, when you stick around a person who turns on the tap and then puts it off, as and when he pleases, eventually gives him the message that he can do what he likes because you’re still there. But then the water is just luke warm or cold as ice. I just wonder why and how some people simply forget that survival of any relationship is dependent on consistencies. You don’t have to be around all the time to show that you are consistent! No. It shows in your actions and they do speak louder than words especially when you do not speak! I have no illusions so don’t try to sell me any phony ideas. To me reality can never be an illusion, nor can an illusion ever be called reality. My keen perception is enough to keep my desires free of muddy,wishful thinking.
Anyways,the reason I was so uncomfortable this last week was because of my inability to let it all out when I wanted to, with the one I wanted to since whenever I tried, I simply couldn’t for one reason or the other- such bad timing I must say! Arrgghhhhhh!!! Never mind, today is better, and I am so relieved having found the tranquillity and stillness of this place I call “Home”. At last, I have found the connection and my much needed Panacea :) Don’t need to look any further now...