Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Where to?





It's been hard for me to see the glass as half full lately. I have been feeling quite challenged by some recent difficult events. The last few months of my life have been a roller coaster ride, and being on this ride of highs and lows, I am trying real hard for the restoration of my usual positive vision in life but seems like there are more testing times lying ahead. For the past one and a half month, I've found myself praying every day for patience and guidance and strength, but apparently nothing seems to be even remotely changing things for better. I know life wasn’t meant to be easy and no one promised me a rose garden either, but when life takes you by surprise, it takes a little while to strike a balance between those dips and peaks. And that balance is what I’ve been trying to chance upon, but may be I’ve to hang in there a little longer and hang in alone. How long is still something I’m trying to figure out. Often in life, one big drop occurs and everything seems to crash all at once. If not that, then something so happens that we do not even see it coming and when it comes, we wonder what and where our life is going, and we are stupefied as to which path should we take henceforth. Sometimes it is so hard to make a choice too, like today, when I find myself stuck with indecision, unsure which way to go. The little choices we make at various crossroads in our life which seem sometimes insignificant are actually so critical in the direction we proceed. So true, the smallest choice can make all the difference.

At times, you’re asked to make such choices and pick your alternatives, but the difference this time is that it’s no small choice. Even if that was the last thing you wanted to do, you’re pushed to consider it under the pretext- “This is what time demands!”. I mean, seriously - how ridiculous can one get? When you do all that you can to ensure that the people you care about have no complaints, why do the same lot of people become so darn ignorant that they fail to comprehend what this hour actually calls for? Did you think like I’m going vegetable-shopping or something before you even gave me that silliest option to consider? This is no small choice, it’s a decision that will alter the face of my life for God’s sake! And whatever face it assumes today, I accept it the way it is. Good or bad, easy or rough, I always choose to accept what is mine with full responsibilty. I need no XYZ person for my support or help or whatever! What help/guidance will this person offer anyways ? There is no situation that you can’t face alone, life prepares you for everything, sooner or later, but it does. Getting prepared is not easy either but that too happens with time. So why then should I be made to do something in the name of responsibility when that is not the rationale it deserves? Wonder why at the moment, every single person around fails to see that!

That is a choice I shall not make. Not even consider for that matter! Not now, not anytime in future. Not because, I am not cognizant of the situation that I’m in, not because I do not care, not because of n number of reasons that you might think are preventing me from considering “any such
bizarre proposition of yours”, but because my conscience tells me this simple thing- if anyone of you who proposed that idea can understand plain English- I’ve bigger and better choices to make in life. I have desires and ambitions which you might not know, but then they are there and I have to see them fulfilled before I consider doing anything else in life. I’ve way to go and tough as it may be, I know I will. Come what may! Had to put this here because some of you don’t seem to understand when I put it in words while others regard it to be a mere statement that you think I’m making in order to appear intelligent. I don’t have this habit of saying stuff I don’t mean and don’t say things just to appear sensible or to please people. It’s strange isn’t it, when people who you thought understand you best are the ones who fail to do so or worse still when people who could read your silence, no more even comprehend your words? Life is ironic indeed. I am disappointed to see that happen. Wish that could change but at times, you can’t change your status quo. Can you?

I remember telling one of my best friends that I wish to get back in time, a time where people could figure out by the tone of my voice that something is amiss, where what brought me peace was their presence, at times their silence, not even their words or to a time in future where I am out of this rut, in short anywhere other than the situation that I’m in and she told me that all other things held constant- getting back to a place where you previously were will ultimately bring you back to where you’re today, so that’s definitely not a nice alternative. I know that’s not actually even an alternative. But even if this is where it brought me, I still wouldn’t trade those beautiful moments for anything else in life. So far as the future is concerned, it’s something which continues to baffle each one of us so there’s no way to reach there as well. I think to actually reach there I have to be in this present moment and face it head on- Face all the good, face all the bad…face all that I had and all that I have. One thing I know today, both of them are as difficult!

I remember the last time I was in a similar situation, I prayed and the prayers were answered. Though it took a while but they were answered in a manner even I could hardly imagine. My dad would always tell me that if you genuinely ask for something in life, in the most sincere manner, with the purest of intentions - it’s granted. However be prepared, because what you ask for brings with it its own pros and cons. Last time, it was granted, but this time I’m afraid to ask. Ask as dilligently for something as I did then. Don’t know why!

I had some more thoughts to pen down but then you won’t understand? Will you?

Before I wrap this up, take it as a piece of advice- Count each day as a blessing! Please do. All those moments you spend with the ones you love are priceless. Look around you and look at what you have. More importantly, don’t miss a single chance to tell that person what he/she means to you. It’s important to plan out for things in life, it’s important to be practical, it’s important to be aware of your responsibilities and duties before your rights, but really life is too short to be worrying about the what if’s and tommorrow! Someday you might not even have that person around to be able to tell them what they mean to you. You think you are in control but then circumstances change before you realize, and then even if you have them around, and even if they are there, no matter what ways and means you choose to express yourself, your feelings, your thoughts fail to reach them for some impenetrable reason. I’m living such times and it pains to see that happen. Going to bed, with a fear, not aware what new surprises the next morning will bring, is not easy. Anyways, I’m going to give it a shot once more.

In the silence of this eternal night,
My heart stirs, my lips arch a sigh,
This silence has a timeless quality,
As if it knows, what remains unknown.



Some bit of the road is still left to be trodden and I am willing to find out what is still not known

4 comments:

  1. Very well & nicely written.

    Just give it a try once again and who knows the things might fall in place the way u wanted them to.

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  2. yaa... anubha , if i wud hv read dis earlier at the time u wrote dis den as a frnd i cud hv olso suggested u to work out ur relationships to wrap them again into priceless present....as dey r biggest asset dat v hv in dis lyf bt smtyms its ol differnt i undrstand...once sm1 asked me : "why to olways chose road dat is less travelled by?? i replied den y do v hv 2 roads???" so on dis road chose d bst 4 u nd dnt mk a chance...loads of wishes 4 u. :) ur dis piece of writing is a precious jewel in d crown of ur collection..

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  3. olways remember anubha.."if evry1 is happy wid u den surely u hv made many compromises in ur lyf nd if u r happy wid evry1 den surely u hv ignored amny faults od oders".... i wud suggest to wrap up ur relationships again , dis is d most priceless asset v have..bt dis piece of ur writing iz again worth applauding :)

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  4. Thanks for your good wishes hemant :)

    ReplyDelete